Do you remember when you were a kid, and you were so mad at your brother or fed up with your parents that you would dream of just packing your bags and running away?
“After I’m gone awhile, they’ll miss me & see that they were WRONG, and I was RIGHT…and they will be SORRY!”
Whomever was right or wrong, juvenile or mature in these situations, hormonal or balanced…we dreamed up our tactic of escape because we felt powerless to change what was going on. It was a power play, a way for our not-yet-grown selves to dream of gaining control and make things go our way.
The funny thing is, in my line of work I meet a lot of adults who have in essence been running away from home for years–they just have never packed a suitcase or left a tear-stained note on the fridge. What are the characteristics of a runaway who never actually runs away? Let’s talk about some of the earmarks of such a person…
- That Sinking Feeling- It starts when the key goes in the lock upon returning home, or maybe even when she first pulls in the driveway–this feeling gives way to….
- General Discomfort–A real dis-ease when at home, because, after all, home doesn’t feel “homey,”but rather just disappointing and overwhelming: ‘That whole pretty house thing that other people have just isn’t possible for me.’ This belief leads to the following key characteristic…
- Avoidance–Not looking around, not engaging with her environment. For the runaway, most of the house becomes a glorified hallway quickly walked through, leading to one or two spaces that don’t feel as disappointing or drab because once she’s there she can…
- Distract–The only rooms that have time spent in them are the ones where she can check out by sleeping, mentally go somewhere else by plopping in front of a screen, or escape by diving into a book. And the last tell-tale sign is….
- Absence/”Hostess With The Leastest”– The runaway spends a lot of time everywhere but at her house. Meals out, activities that take her elsewhere–anywhere, really–are all preferable to spending time at home. The runaway rarely offers to host friends for get-togethers, since she doesn’t even know how to extend everyday hospitality to herself.
What the runaway hasn’t learned yet is that her power doesn’t come from avoidance or escape–which really aren’t powerful things at all. BUT by making the choice to engage and work at changing things that hold her back in her home, she can indeed be mighty.
Do you see any of the qualities of the runaway in yourself? If so, have you thought about the costs involved in living in a house that doesn’t feel like home? One very simple and concrete way to estimate them is to take your mortgage payment and divide it by the number of rooms you have in your house. For example, if you mortgage is around $1500/month and you have 10 rooms (only two of which you marginally enjoy spending time in) your frustration and disappointment are costing you $1200 a month–and this number doesn’t even represent the costs of all that restaurant food, gas put in the car so you can escape, oh…and the years of enjoyment that never happened.
What would it feel like to turn any corner in your house and feel your heart swell with pride? What would it be like to love being at home because it feels so welcoming?? What would it be worth to you if your home added something amazing to the quality of your life, rather than feeling it was only a disappointing drain?
If you have spent years as a runaway, it is time to come back home! Your house is too big of an investment to waste any more time, money or energy not loving every inch of it.
Remember, the power is in your hands!
